One of the many instances of this has been this week with Rebecca. She came home yesterday from school and told me that she hasn't been playing with anyone at recess this week, and that her friends are not letting her play with them. My first instinct was to hug her crying little body, which I did, and then show up for school the next day with a some few choice words for the little girls in her class. After the initial "Momma Bear" reaction, as I listened to Rebecca tell me what has been happening, her part, and their part, I came to realize that the problem was quite easy to fix. I had to fight my need to step in and handle it for her, however, and question her about some things she could do to make things better. As she has the same need for control as I do, this is not an easy task. She wants her friends to do what SHE wants them to do, and when they don't, she goes one way, they go another. We talked about some things she could do, like arranging things before recess, and making sure they are taking turns doing what each one wanted to do, things like that. I was so proud of her, as she did just that, today, and things turned out much better for her. I was also proud of myself for not jumping the gun and just telling her what she should do, but rather listen and help her figure out what she could do. Not an easy task for two control freaks like us!
Another instance was letting my little one go down the sledding hill in the innertube by herself. We went sledding a couple of weeks ago, and Jon told me she was ready to go down by herself. "No -- she's too little!", I frantically thought. Jon ignored my protests (he has learned when to ignore my controlling tendencies) and sent her down on her way. I was so scared she was going to fall off half way down the hill and hurt herself (I mean, she is half accident-prone Mounteer), but she did great. She had the time of her life, and wanted to keep going higher up the hill. It was a necessary lesson for me to learn, AGAIN. I don't know everything, and I don't know what is going to happen in the future. I need to trust those around me, as well as my Heavenly Father, that everything happens for a reason, and to trust Him, and those around me to do what is right. You can already see that Rebecca is only 5 and I'm already scared to death for the teenage years. There goes that control freak part of me again. A constant battle for me!
Needless to say, I am so thankful for a good and loving husband who overlooks my need for control so patiently. And sometimes not so patiently! I am also grateful for my kids, who teach me to "let go" and trust them to make good choices. They are such good kids, and I'm thankful for them in every way. Even whey they fight. And scream. And yell. And whine. And...put up with a mother who loves them too much sometimes! Now if I could just stop arranging all the toys in their rooms and toy closet...
6 months pregnant and sledding -- good thing
I only went down one time!
7 comments:
Laurie, I totally understand where you are coming from. I too fight with myself about being controlling. Finally after having my 4th child (really my 3rd is what broke me), I have learned what's important to control and the other things I have to let go or it makes me crazy. I enjoyed your post and just wanted you to know that you aren't the only one out there that struggles with this.
So Jane had a similar thing happen at school a couple of years ago and because Jane is also very controlling we had to have a discussion of just how to NOT control other people. I don't think she's learned the lesson yet. But things seem to be ok at school, its just the not controlling her brothers and mother that she hasn't mastered quite yet!
I hear you sista. I've learned to let go of a lot of things I used to demand control of, but I find my stubborness still well intact for many things. And the older they get, the more they want to do it on their own and you just have to let go. Just sent Conner off to do his snow-shoveling jobs. I really wanted to trail after him and make sure he did it "right" - good thing I am very preggers and can't walk that far right now. :-)
I think it shows a lot of humility on your part to share this weakness with all of us. Kudos for wanting to be better! Sounds like you're making good progress.
is this a new thing? or was i just a clueless little girl? (okay, that i was, but still)
i never saw you in any way a controlling person. maybe its kids--kids make you a totally different person.
and is that a bad trait?
good luck, and you look so cute sledding.
I wanted to say thanks for framing our card! You're too cute! That means a lot to us! Now we'll just have to make a trip up there to see your house!
Laurie, you put into words how I feel a lot of the time. I recently had the thought come to my mind with my boys that I need to stop trying to change them and remember to love them and help them be the best they can be instead of who I think they should be. I pray the Lord will help me know the difference. I wish you all the best. Sometimes I wish we had a manual for these kids :)
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