The Honest Truth

One of the reasons I started this blog was to detail parts of our lives. Since I am slow to scrapbook and terrible at journal writing, this serves as both, in a way. With that in mind, I am going to open up a bit more to you, the reader, myself, the writer, and to my progenitors, who will read this as time goes by. It is very therapeutic to open up and write some of this down, although some may think it strange to put it to the public's eye. Frankly, part of me feels that way as well, and the other part of me feels like maybe my experiences may help others as I voice some of my inadequacies, as well as help myself.

Will is turning 6 months old next week. I can hardly believe it. Everything that we went through with him seems like a dream. He is healthy, happy, and the easiest of our three kids. He is such a blessing to us and when I think we almost lost him twice, my heart aches all over again. Tears come to my eyes when I look back at pictures, or read my journal recording what happenend. And yet, to watch him, talk to him, and see how he has managed to heal and be so happy, inspires me to look ahead, and not backwards. He has been reserved and saved to do great things, as I believe all of our children have. I am still so grateful to the Lord for letting us have William to raise.

After the heart surgery and the life flight back to Salt Lake because of his circumcision problem, I thought all the hardship had passed. The crises was over and we were back in Vernal, living our lives. Rebecca finished up the school year and we had a great summer. I had lost all the baby weight I had gained, which was only 18 pounds, baby included, through all of the stress. I felt good and so thankful that things were getting back to normal, and that we could finally enjoy our little baby boy.

About a month after we were back to normal again, I started feeling stressed -- big time. I felt anxiety over everything around me. It seemed like I was always yelling at the kids and Jon. I felt like I had no control over the messy house, or anything else for that matter, and felt I was harping on everyone all the time. And yet at the exact same time, I felt so close to the Spirit. After such a life-changing event, I felt like I wanted to help anywhere and anyone I could. It was a strange dichotomy of emotions. Elation that Will was recovering, guilt over my emotional stress, more elation of getting back to normal, and more guilt over not being able to control more around me.

I went to the doctor and asked for an increase of Zoloft, which I had been taking for my anxiety. I needed some additional help, and I felt a difference within a few days. During this time, I also was talking to my sisters more frequently. We have been having some difficulites with one of Jon's brothers, and I was in need of some advice. My sister, Julie, asked me about PTSD -- Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and had I thought about if this could be part of my problem, along with the hormonal changes of birth. Jon had been struggling in similar ways, as well. I took a long look at myself. I had dealt with Will's trauma very well while it was happening. I felt the Lord with me so closely during that time. I look back and still cannot believe what we had to deal with so close to giving birth. And I was fine. I really was fine. But the longer I was home, the less fine I was. As I looked into PTSD a little more, I realized I was experiencing one of the major symptoms. My body was finally dealing with the trauma once the danger had passed. But, a major step was recognizing what was happening.

I was also noticing that while I was trying to get back into excersing again, I was really struggling to be motivated. I would start off a week really good, and then fall out of the routine 2 days later. My weight was slowly creeping back on. I noticed that I had been buying or making treats more often "for the kids" and then whenever I was feeling stress my next move was to go into the pantry to look for a treat. I would pray for help, with a promise that if He would help me to be more motivated and to stop eating junk food when I felt stressed, as well as to exercise more, I would make sure I was exercising my spiritual side by reading my scriptures daily. Again, I would make and stick to the committment for the first 2 days of the week, and then I would fall short again, leading to more anxiety and guilt. It was horrible!

And then, last Sunday, I heard 2 talks about setting goals, as well as teaching the Young Women about committing to read and finish the Book of Mormon by our Young Women in Excellence night in November. If I started that very day, I would have to read 10.5 pages a day for 6 weeks in order to finish and complete the Virtue project that we challenged the girls to do. What a difference a week has made. I missed today, but I can see the difference already. As I have committed to do this, I feel more motivation to exercise, and less motivation to self-indulge with the sweets that tempt me in the house. Looking at my scale, I noticed 6 pounds had crept back on, after losing it all, and I am committed to get it back down, as well as take a few more off past that. I know I can do this, only with His help.

I started taking steps to fix myself. Admitting I was not okay was one. Talking to my husband, my parents, my family members all helped. Prayer and helping those around me, my kids, and neighbors helped. Increasing my Zoloft helped. And time has helped. There are times when I look at Will when I am holding him and tears still come to me when I reflect back on what he and we went through, and gratitude immediately fills my heart. I have so much to be grateful for, and I really am. I have always been grateful for this experience with Will because of the smoothing effects it has had on my rough stone. I am so grateful for a loving husband and extended family that are willing to listen, give advice, and help lift me up. Thank you all and I love you.

With all of this, we were able to do some really fun things, as well. Here are some pictures to enjoy!

Going to the County Fair

Going River Rafting down the Green River

Seeing the antics of my crazy Ryan (Sneaking and getting into my make-up so he could "get ready" like Mom does.

Going hiking at Jones Hole

Learning to make Tutu's

If you give a boy a birthday, he is going to want a party to go with it.

If you give him a party, he will tell you he wants it to be about trucks. He tells you he wants to invite all of his friends over.

Seeing his friends will remind him that he wants to have a truck game, where they run into different road hazards, like rain storms, people crossing the street, and trucks dumping candy.

Once they eat the candy, it will remind them that they are hungry for cake.

Once they see and eat the truck cake Mom made, it will remind them that there is a big truck parked outside for them to climb in and honk the horn.

Honking the horn will remind him of truck presents in the backyard. They all run into the backyard to open gifts. One of the gifts is a toy gun, which the boy immediately starts shooting. Shooting the bad guys and monsters remind the kids of running and getting wet by the sprinklers. He begs Mom to get out the slip and slide.

Dad gets it out and they scream, splash, and run. Mommy calls them back for a picture. Taking the picture reminds the boy of his birthday. And once he remembers his birthday, he wants a party to go with it.

Happy 3rd birthday to our little Ryan. It was a fun one. You make every day exciting, and we love you!

Will's Blessing Day and First Smiles

I've been getting flak for not posting more pictures of William's progress, so here you go! He is doing great and just started sleeping through the night 2 days ago. 11-7 -- Yeah for sleep! Aside from following Ryan around every 2 minutes telling him to stop man-handling (I should say boy-handling) the baby, the kids are doing great!

Blessing Day -- May 3, 2009

He has on Ryan's blessing outfit that Veronica made. I figure the first to get married and have a boy gets it!

We had my parents, Aunt Barbara, my sister Carole and her girls, Amanda and Rachel, plus their foreign exchange student Alina, my neice Jennifer, Jon's brother Matt, his wife Janille, and their 4 children -- Connor, Savannah, Tess and Isaac all come for the blessing. And of course, Jon's parents, who live here!

Oops -- forgot to turn the picture -- he is 6 weeks old at his blessing.

First smiles! His first smile actually happened in the hospital during his latest scare with the circumsicion (May 5, 2009 at 6 weeks old). But this is when we could actually get him to do it for the camera -- May 25, 2009)

Big YAWN!

The Pink Ladies (Except for Will)

In mid May, Ryan and Jon celebrated the Commemoration of the Priesthood by going on a Father/Son Campout put on by the ward each year. Many wards do this, as it gives the men and boys a chance to go run around in the mountains without being told to act like their age! (This is always fun to watch men plan, by the way, without the help of women. It gives me a good laugh every time!). But, I digress. Last year, Jon and Ryan both spent the night; however, one of the downfalls of doing this type of event so early in the summer is that it is still pretty cold at night. Jon said they about froze to death because of the cold. Well, Jon did. Ryan was kept pretty warm, as he would sit up throughout the night and ask in his not quite 2 year old voice, "Asleep Daddy?", while Jon sheilded him from the cold. This year, they decided to go up for the evening, fish, and come home around 10 at night. That gave Rebecca and I a chance to have our first annual "Pink Ladies Night". All girls (okay, except for Will, who we will tease later on in life about it), all pink, and all fun. We had a great time, although I was completely exhausted by bedtime. Being a girl is a tough job, but we had a fabulous time!

Let the Pink Ladies begin! I love Rebecca's pink pants. She told me we must do it this way EVERY year. NO CHANGES! Will is in blue to protest the evening. (Will is 7 weeks old, Rebecca os 6)

Grody picture of me, but I was too lazy to set up the camera and use the timer. We had stuff to do, man!

First was a trip to a cute store in downtown Vernal that we had never been to before. It's called "Doodlebugs", and it looked pink and girly. It was a clothing store for small boys and girls. Rebecca found a cute pink and green frame to put in her room. Next on the agenda was a bike ride. I put Will in the trailer, and away we went!

Number 3 on the list was Girl Movie time. We watched "Girls Just Want to Have Fun", the ultimate Girl movie, pink popcorn, pink lemonade in pink fancy tea cups, pink jammies, and pink blankets.

We also had to do fancy hair do's.

I still needed to feed my boy, William, through all of this!

Best friends, and a lot quieter without Ryan around. We kept saying how weird it was to have it so quiet!

A fun evening with my girl and sweet Will. Pink Ladies UNITE!

Mothers

Having an outside picnic on Mother's Day

My present from Jon -- a bistro table and chairs!

Jon's rock planter he is building for the porch

With all of the drama with Will, including his latest life-flight to Primary Children's Hospital last week, I really had not had time to think about Mother's Day. It has been been a hectic and tough time in trying to not just deal with Will's problems, but also with my other two children, and their emotions over all of this. So, needless to say, I was very happy to be able to go to church yesterday and listen to several talks on motherhood, womanhood, and the love God carries for his daughters. It was a truly humbling and spiritual experience to finally have some time to reflect on our role, and the wonderful men who support us in this capacity. Some thoughts on this as I celebrate my own mother, Jon's mother, and my own role as a mom.

Maker--The woman really is a maker of everything. She is a maker of the home, a maker of the food, a maker of the home's mood. I always find it amazing that when I'm happy, peaceful, and calm, so is everyone else. The days when I am not, an example being during my PMS days, it is incredible how everyone else is magically following my mood. Why is that? Why does the mother set the mood for the home? How come when Jon comes home in a bad mood, the mood of the home isn't affected as much? It really is a strange phenomenon. But, such as it is, it is the way it is. Therefore, mothers have the responsibility of being happy from within, and work at making it so. As she does this, the rest of the family follows. I have found this to be a blessing, not a curse, as the Lord places much responsibility on us to be a Maker in every sense of the word.

Overtime -- We are definetly overworked and underpaid. We do not get anything extra for the overtime we put into our families. Today, for instance, I had set aside some time to clean the upstairs and plant a flower I had bought. Well, my kids had other ideas. Between Ryan pooping his pants (potty training, which I really love [said with heavy sarcasm]), the baby wanting to be held because of a gaseous stomach, and Rebecca's school needs, I barely have time to shower and clean myself up before it's time for my husband to come home. We have so little time, and yet so much to do. And no extra pay. Yet, when I hear Rebecca saying a prayer in her room when she is upset, Ryan doing his animal impressions, or Will quietly eating in my arms, it does make it all worth it.

Truthful/True -- We have a responsibility to be true to ourselves and others, and to teach that truth to our children. What a daunting task that is. The responsibility, along with your husband, of teaching your kids how to be true, while also trying to be true to ourselves. It is so overwhelming, it is no wonder we get extra help from Heaven when we ask for it. And, sometimes when we do not.

Helpmeet -- In a recent trip to the Temple, I realized, again, and more forcefully, how valuable Eve was to the Plan of Salvation. She truly was created as a helpmeet and companion to Adam. Together, they would lead each other through life and all the problems they were expected to encounter. Adam, as the Priesthood holder, held the power to activate God's power, and Eve was created to help him use that power in the right way. His true equal. As are we. We are meant to be our husband's equal, and to teach our children in a similar manner. The Lord would have it no other way. It is our responsibilty to not squander each other's power, but to share it equally. The world, in the past, told us that men wielded that power over women's heads. Now, the pendulum is swinging in the other direction, where women do not need men, and we hold all the power. That is simply not the plan of God. He created us to be equal in every sense.

Expectation -- We have huge expectations placed upon us. We are expected to teach our children how to survive and serve others in this ever increasing evil world, to be happy when our husbands come home, to be sexy to our husbands, to exercise, be healthy, serve our neighbors, get along with our family members and friends, learn a new skill, study the scriptures, be available to all of our children's demands, and of course, find time somewhere in there to actually get 5 minutes to ourselves to recharge our batteries. And yet, we miracously find time to do it all. We prioritize and organize in every possible way. We place these burdens on the Lord, and He helps us get all of it done, many times doing about 5 things at once. A true miracle.

Recognizes -- As mothers, we recognize where we are needed, and recognize the Lord's influence on us. We recognize the Spirit's whisperings when a friend is in need, or our husbands are being neglected. Finally, we recognize where our extra strength and increase of love is coming from, and we thank Him a thousand times a day because of it. We recognize the good influences and get rid of the bad influences in our lives, so that the Spirit can dwell in us.

What a wonderful time to be a mother. I am so grateful for my mother in helping me be a better mom to my children. Thank you mom -- I love you!

Events of March, April 2009

Here is our little William David Stearmer. Born March 27, 2009 at 9:32 AM. 7 pounds, 0 ounces. We took him home from Primary Children's Hospital in Salt Lake City on Easter Sunday, 2 weeks ago. The day after this picture was taken, he ripped out the feeding tube that you see. I called the doctor and told him that he actually had not been using it for the last 2 days, so unless I heard otherwise, there was no way I was going to replace it. He laughingly said that was fine. He is a typical newborn in every way and is doing absolutely fabulous. It's hard to believe he had open heart sugery just 3 weeks prior to this photo. He is wonderful, and we are so lucky to have him. I am so proud of the progress he has made in his short life.

We are not sure who he looks the most like. We see Mounteer and Stearmer traits.

Taking Easter pictures at the Vernal Temple. Rebecca loves to get her picture taken!

Ryan is harder to deal with when taking pictures. I think I only have about 3 pictures in his whole life where he is actually looking and smiling at the camera! But, they sure look adorable in their Easter clothes!

Our three children -- that feels so crazy to say that!

What a sweet boy!

Leaving the PICU and going into a regular recovery room at PCMC. This was our favorite nurse, Mary. We loved everyone that helped with Will's care, but Mary was the best. She actually was with us for 5 days, longer than the rest. Her expertise and bedside care, both to the baby, and to us, was amazing. I will never forget her caring, and sweet way. And, she could make us laugh when we were ready to cry. I will always appreciate that.

Going home!!! Our last day in the hospital! Easter Sunday was not the traditional one for us this year. But, what a way to celebrate. The Easter Bunny (the incredible staff at the hospital) delivered Will a wonderful Easter basket, and while driving the 3 hours home to Vernal, we could reflect upon the gift of life we were given through our Savior, Jesus Christ. We came home to balloons and a welcome home sign on our garage, as well as a wonderful ham dinner, all made by Jon's parents, Rob and Veronica. An Easter Sunday that will always remain in our hearts.

The day before Easter, the hospital staff put on a major Easter egg hunt for all the kids in the hospital. Rebecca and Ryan got to participate and had a blast! That's a lot of eggs!

Mom, Dad, and Barbara wish us good wishes while saying good-bye and sending us home to Vernal. They were so wonderful to us during our month long ordeal. I will always be grateful for their patience, love, and kindness.

Will was anxious to finally get home and sleep!

Rebecca turns 6 years old! During my bedrest, and very soon before our month long departure for Salt Lake, we celebrated Rebecca's birthday. She had a very fancy tea party birthday party last year, so we kept this one kind of low-key. She still had a great time, though. She was so funny about her cake. She told me EXACTLY what she wanted -- a cherry cake mix with pink and chocolate frosting. She wanted the top to be a princess decoration. So, this is what my Mom and I came up with. She loved it! (March 12, 2009)

Mom, Dad, Rob, and Veronica were all there to help our family celebrate Rebecca's birthday.

What Rebecca requested for her birthday throughout the year was a fishing pole. She has wanted one for about 2 years, as she watches (and sometimes goes) with Jon and her Grandpa. She really had no idea what this big, long, wrapped present was.

But, when she opened it, she was absolutely stunned and excited. She even got her own pink Barbie tackle box to go with it. She is going to be the fanciest girl on the lake!

Practicing her cast with her dad in the yard.

It has been a whirwind 2 months, full of anxiety, fear, faith, and fun. While this was very difficult to go through, we wouldn't go back and change anything if we could. We feel so thankful for the growth we have been able to do through all of this. It has brought our family closer together, our marriage closer together, as well as our relationship with God. Trials are difficult, but it is amazing the amount of strength He gives us as we go through them. We just have to ask and be willing to receive it. We are doing great, and we are all happy and healthy. And we are so grateful to be home.