Will is turning 6 months old next week. I can hardly believe it. Everything that we went through with him seems like a dream. He is healthy, happy, and the easiest of our three kids. He is such a blessing to us and when I think we almost lost him twice, my heart aches all over again. Tears come to my eyes when I look back at pictures, or read my journal recording what happenend. And yet, to watch him, talk to him, and see how he has managed to heal and be so happy, inspires me to look ahead, and not backwards. He has been reserved and saved to do great things, as I believe all of our children have. I am still so grateful to the Lord for letting us have William to raise.
After the heart surgery and the life flight back to Salt Lake because of his circumcision problem, I thought all the hardship had passed. The crises was over and we were back in Vernal, living our lives. Rebecca finished up the school year and we had a great summer. I had lost all the baby weight I had gained, which was only 18 pounds, baby included, through all of the stress. I felt good and so thankful that things were getting back to normal, and that we could finally enjoy our little baby boy.
About a month after we were back to normal again, I started feeling stressed -- big time. I felt anxiety over everything around me. It seemed like I was always yelling at the kids and Jon. I felt like I had no control over the messy house, or anything else for that matter, and felt I was harping on everyone all the time. And yet at the exact same time, I felt so close to the Spirit. After such a life-changing event, I felt like I wanted to help anywhere and anyone I could. It was a strange dichotomy of emotions. Elation that Will was recovering, guilt over my emotional stress, more elation of getting back to normal, and more guilt over not being able to control more around me.
I went to the doctor and asked for an increase of Zoloft, which I had been taking for my anxiety. I needed some additional help, and I felt a difference within a few days. During this time, I also was talking to my sisters more frequently. We have been having some difficulites with one of Jon's brothers, and I was in need of some advice. My sister, Julie, asked me about PTSD -- Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and had I thought about if this could be part of my problem, along with the hormonal changes of birth. Jon had been struggling in similar ways, as well. I took a long look at myself. I had dealt with Will's trauma very well while it was happening. I felt the Lord with me so closely during that time. I look back and still cannot believe what we had to deal with so close to giving birth. And I was fine. I really was fine. But the longer I was home, the less fine I was. As I looked into PTSD a little more, I realized I was experiencing one of the major symptoms. My body was finally dealing with the trauma once the danger had passed. But, a major step was recognizing what was happening.
I was also noticing that while I was trying to get back into excersing again, I was really struggling to be motivated. I would start off a week really good, and then fall out of the routine 2 days later. My weight was slowly creeping back on. I noticed that I had been buying or making treats more often "for the kids" and then whenever I was feeling stress my next move was to go into the pantry to look for a treat. I would pray for help, with a promise that if He would help me to be more motivated and to stop eating junk food when I felt stressed, as well as to exercise more, I would make sure I was exercising my spiritual side by reading my scriptures daily. Again, I would make and stick to the committment for the first 2 days of the week, and then I would fall short again, leading to more anxiety and guilt. It was horrible!
And then, last Sunday, I heard 2 talks about setting goals, as well as teaching the Young Women about committing to read and finish the Book of Mormon by our Young Women in Excellence night in November. If I started that very day, I would have to read 10.5 pages a day for 6 weeks in order to finish and complete the Virtue project that we challenged the girls to do. What a difference a week has made. I missed today, but I can see the difference already. As I have committed to do this, I feel more motivation to exercise, and less motivation to self-indulge with the sweets that tempt me in the house. Looking at my scale, I noticed 6 pounds had crept back on, after losing it all, and I am committed to get it back down, as well as take a few more off past that. I know I can do this, only with His help.
I started taking steps to fix myself. Admitting I was not okay was one. Talking to my husband, my parents, my family members all helped. Prayer and helping those around me, my kids, and neighbors helped. Increasing my Zoloft helped. And time has helped. There are times when I look at Will when I am holding him and tears still come to me when I reflect back on what he and we went through, and gratitude immediately fills my heart. I have so much to be grateful for, and I really am. I have always been grateful for this experience with Will because of the smoothing effects it has had on my rough stone. I am so grateful for a loving husband and extended family that are willing to listen, give advice, and help lift me up. Thank you all and I love you.
With all of this, we were able to do some really fun things, as well. Here are some pictures to enjoy!
Going to the County Fair
Going River Rafting down the Green River
Seeing the antics of my crazy Ryan (Sneaking and getting into my make-up so he could "get ready" like Mom does.
Going hiking at Jones Hole
Learning to make Tutu's
