Sail My Vessel

A few years ago, I was introduced to the music of Garth Brooks.  Growing up in California, Country music was not on my list of favorite music genres.  I actually detested it.  After moving to Utah, however, it became inevitable that I would be exposed to it through roommates and friends.  A good friend took me to a Garth Brooks concert, and I was sold.  I became such a fan of his music, and still listen quite often to him.  There is one song in particular that has always touched me, and in the context of the gospel, I can see why.  As I look back at the times in my life where I have seen the most growth, I can see why this song has really made an impact on me.  The lyrics are as follows:

You know a dream is like a river
Ever changin' as it flows
And a dreamer's just a vessel
That must follow where it goes
Trying to learn from what's behind you
And never knowing what's in store
Makes each day a constant battle
Just to stay between the shores

And I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry

Too many times we stand aside
And let the waters slip away
'Til what we put off 'til tomorrow
It has now become today
So don't you sit upon the shoreline
And say you're satisfied
Choose to chance the rapids
And dare to dance that tide

There's bound to be rough waters
And I know I'll take some falls
With the good Lord as my captain
I can make it through them all

And I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Lord, I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry

 
How often do we feel like this vessel, or boat, being tossed about on the water, unsure of where we are going?  A picture comes to my mind of someone, sometimes me, sometimes you, out on a beautiful boat in the middle of a peaceful, huge, river.  Suddenly, a massive storm rolls in, waves cresting over the ship, causing the boat to toss and roll.  You realize through the tossing and turning, however, that you have lost your captain and controls, and are unsure of how to proceed. You don't know where you are, or where you are headed.  You are completely lost, alone, and just drifting in circles.   We have all been in this place, haven't we?  Lost, alone, and not going in any direction, only in circles, trying to stay afloat.

My favorite line of this song is "There is bound to be rough waters, and I know I'll take some falls.  With the good Lord as my captain, I can make it through it all.  This brings tears to my eyes every time.  I have been there, several times, in my life.  And every time, EVERY TIME, I realize that I cannot do this alone.  I need my Lord to help me sail my vessel, and no matter what, I cannot give in.  I will keep going, until that river is dry.

One of the few times in my life where I have felt like I was being tossed around and Captainless, was right after Jon graduated from law school in 2006.  We had been living at my parent's house in the Salt Lake Valley, housesitting for them while they served a mission in Mexico.  Jon finished law school in May of 2006, and I had our second child in early July.  My parents came home from their mission just 2 weeks after I gave birth to Ryan, and we were quickly trying to move into an apartment while we interviewed for jobs and find a place to settle.  We really thought this would be a temporary apartment, like a month or two, because we were so sure a job would be imminent.  Jon took the Utah bar test in mid-July, and we moved out of my parents' by the end of the month.  Talk about stressful!  But, we made it, knowing this would be a temporary place.  Ultimately, in the scheme of things, it was a short time, but at the time, the next 9 months seemed like an eternity. 

During those 9 months, Jon interviewed for several great positions.  And while he knew he was a top candidate, he never got the "YES" we were looking for.  Time went on.  Thank heaven we had savings that we were living on, but it was quickly draining.  Summer turned into fall, fall into winter, and still no job.  We were hitting panic mode now.  I remember Christmas that year was really sparse, as we just didn't have the money.  We prayed, we fasted, we had both served faithful missions, served faithfully in our callings, we went to the temple, we studied our scriptures.  We did everything we were taught to do, but to no avail.  At this point, my anxiety was really rising.  I was angry.  We had done everything we knew how to do, had been taught to do,  and yet it felt like we were just going in circles.  Why wasn't He providing for us?  Between this situation, and now dealing with 2 children, I quickly realized, with the help of my sisters, that I needed some additional help.  From then on, I went on Zoloft, which has helped me from letting my anxiety over things I cannot control get the best of me.  But, that is a whole other story...

By February, we were desperate.  Our savings was all but gone, and I was looking at going back to teaching full-time.  Jon had applied and gotten into the JAG Corp. as a lawyer there.  The main problem there, however, was that our law school debt was enormous, there was no loan forgiveness in Jag, and the pay was really low, which meant me working full-time as well.  We really didn't want to go to that option, but we were out of options.  I couldn't believe, though, that this was God's plan for our family.  We both felt like I needed to be home and to be a mom to our kids. We just couldn't believe that the Lord would lead us to this point, just to make us both work.

Finally, just as Jon was sending off his letter to JAG, a miracle happened.  He received word that he could office-share with a local attorney, but it would require a move to Vernal, Utah, 3 hours away from Salt Lake.  We knew the area well, so it wasn't that difficult to say yes.  Scary?  Definately!!  Jon would need to start his own practice, which is really tough to do.  But, after much more prayer and discussion, we realized that this was the way to go.  I could stay at home, although I did some part-time teaching for that first year,  and Jon's mom wonderfully watched our 2 kids during that time. So, we moved, bought our first house and got things off the ground.  After about a year, Jon was approached to be the Civil Attorney for a nearby county, and 3 years after that, for Uintah County.  Things worked out the way they were supposed to.  We felt like we were floundering there for quite a while, even after we moved to Vernal.  And, while things are not totally perfect, we have the understanding that we will get there...eventually.  And most importantly, we are happy.

Finally, this experience really helped us deal with the next trauma that came 2 years later, when we had our 3rd child, who needed open-heart surgery at 4 days old, and his subsequent problems that continued to come as a result.  Again, that story can be reserved for another post.  But, I can honestly say, that had it not been for that first major trial, we never would have been able to sustain our faith through our son's experiences, and subsequent challenges.

Going back to good ol' Garth.  "There is bound to be rough waters and I'll know I'll take some falls.  But with the Good Lord as my Captain, I can make it through them all".  Let's not flounder in a circle by ourselves.  Let's not give in to the temptation of giving up.  Let's steer our ships with Him as our Co-Captain.   It's never too late.  Let's do it together!

“Never Give Up! Never, never, never, never give up. Never!”

Winston Churchill

Little Children are Holy...

I have not written a post in such a long time!  To be honest, I have a hard time sitting down and taking the time to write.  I am a busy mom of 4, and much of the time, feel like it just takes too much brain power to sit down and do this.  But, I am feeling the need to start again, in regards to my beliefs, and according to promptings from the Holy Spirit that I cannot deny.  So here goes...

I was reading in my scriptures today, and thinking about how difficult it is raising children in today's world.  I am also quickly realizing that raising children does not stop at the age of 18, after they have gone out on their own.  Parenting never stops.  Just look at our relationship with our Father in Heaven!  His influence will never end, although we have to be the ones to let Him in and receive His guidance.

The scripture that forcefully came to me in my study was concerning little children.  "But little children are holy, being sanctified through the atonement of Jesus Christ..." (Doctrine and Covenants 74:7)

Now, the scripture itself was referring to the baptism of little children, meaning that little children are completely innocent, and therefore in no need of being "saved" until they reach the age of accountability, which is 8 years old.  Then, they do have need of baptism done by the proper authority in the name of Jesus Christ.  But, in the context of my study, that scripture actually takes on a different meaning, as well.

copyright:Daniel Gerhartz

Are we not all still children in God's eyes?  Every single one of us are still learning, still growing, and still trying to overcome our imperfections and vices.  Nevertheless, we are still holy in His eyes because we have the ability to be cleansed through the Atonement of Christ.  It doesn't matter how old we get, or how much life experience we have, we will always need His guiding hand in our lives.

We have always been taught that as the Lord prepares the earth for his Second Coming, the boldest, strongest, and most stalwart spirits have been held back until this time, knowing the evil they would have to combat and the gospel they would have to defend.  I watch my own children and see how incredibly bold in action and testimony they already are.  I see people of all ages doing the same.  My children are still young, but humble and teachable.  I can better understand now why the Lord teaches us to be child-like, instead of childish.  I want to be more like them...willing to be easily taught and having the courage to ask and actually DO  what the Lord wants me to do, rather than fighting Him, or arguing with Him because I'm not getting what I want, when I want it. 

My 5 year old is a perfect example of this.  Five is a tough age.  He is wanting so much to be more independent, yet is still so young that he cannot handle too much independence, and frustrated that he can't.  Every day, about 100 times a day, he asks me to either buy him a toy at the store, or give him a treat of some kind.  Sometimes, the answer is yes, but most of time the answer is no.  "No, you cannot have that piece of candy.  Why? Because it's not good for you.  I know you want it.  I know you think you need it.  But, I know better.  I know what you need right now, and that is not it.  Do you think if you keep screaming that I will give it to you?  Oh, now you are going to be angry and hit something?  Will that make me change my mind?"  Now, sometimes, I admit, I do give in just to get him to stop whining.  But, ultimately, was it good for him?  Not really.  I can see the bigger picture, but I need him to listen to me and trust me, even when it's a "not right now".  We calmly (most of the time) talk it out, and he begins to understand.  And then the next day, it begins again, where I then have to remind, teach, love, and listen again.  I know the Lord gets a little frustrated with me in the same way.  Do I have the courage to be teachable, or will I let the "natural man" rule and just keep butting heads until I get my way?  And which way am I the happiest?  I can honestly say that when I humble myself, realizing that I don't have all the answers, having the courage to ask what His will is for me, and then actually DO it...I am happier.

 It is not alway easy to trust in the Lord, just as my 5 year old has a hard time trusting my judgement sometimes.  But, it is the right way.  It is what makes us holy.  The Atonement of Christ keeps us holy, even with all of our faults, as long we allow it to work for us.  This takes the realization that we are children, needing to be teachable, humble, willing to listen to another's counsel, and be open to change.  We may not have the innocence that little children have, who don't have need of forgiveness, but as we see our individual holiness manifest itself by the power of Christ's atonement, we will rejoice together back in His arms, and in each other's.   As the hymn says, "More holiness give me".